What I'm Feeling Before My Move To Germany

Well hello, it's been over 2 months since I've written anything. In early January, I got really sick with back to back respiratory infections that lead to pneumonia. I'm mostly recovered now, still coughing and a little congested with shortness of breath from time to time, but I'm on the mend. That's not what I want to talk about, however.

With only 293 days left before my move to Germany, I'm finding myself a little more lonely than usual. It's something that I've been feeling more and more lately. I've tried filling my time with new and interesting, as well as time consuming, hobbies. I've tried getting out more, or working more. I've tried being social with friends when I can, I've tried seeing my family more, and as well just being out in the public around people, but not matter what I've tried, I can't seem to shake the feeling.

I'm of the perspective, that this time in my life is preparing me for more loneliness I have yet to face. From what I remember of my times in Germany, loneliness was at the fore front of it all. It's not an uncommon experience too. Many travelers and/or people who have immigrated will say the same. I didn't have great coping strategies back then either, which certainly didn't help.

This time around though, I'm trying to be realistic with my expectations. I keep telling myself that loneliness is bound to happen, as it does now, and so I should find ways to cope with it. So, even if it's hard and I don't like feeling it, I know it's likely not forever, but rather a storm I need to weather for now. Things will get better in time.

Speaking of realistic expectations, I also wanted to share an experience I had recently. I went to a lecture at my university not too long ago - the topic of the presenter seemed interesting and I knew many from the department were going to be there, so I thought it important to show face since I'm not there too often right now.

The talk was definitely interesting - the over-arching theme being how German and English colonialist impacted the language of Tok Pisin in Papa New Guinea - but I found I didn't enjoy myself much. I was in my head for the majority of the presentation and discussion thereafter.

I'd forgotten what it felt like to be in a room with professors, professionals, and grad students already deeply immersed in the field I want to be in. I was definitely the bottom of of the totem poll so to speak. When my professor introduced me to a native German grad student, I spoke briefly with her in German and the way it paralyzed me to speak in front of a stranger who, without a doubt, knew more of the language than me, was eye opening.

I got "stuck in my feelings" for a while after and had a hard time telling myself I'm not stupid for knowing less than them. A few days passed and this feeling changed to fuel me into bettering my German before the move. I have a couple months still and one of my biggest "fosilized" errors has to do with definite and indefinite articles in German. So, I printed out a ton of flashcard, 333 to be exact, with their articles in all the tenses (Nominative, Accusative, Dative, & Genitive) in hopes of improving the most noticeable errors I have.

As I write this now, I think about how all encompassing that feeling of stupidity was for me; how it felt like no words would bring me out of the beliefs, and it makes me think of my students. I wonder if this is how they feel at their young ages? It was hard to feel for me as an adult, but I can only imagine how it feels for them.

I was able to change my perspective on my own eventually, but I cannot tell you how many students have out right said to me that they are stupid, bad at ------, beg me for a different subject because the other one makes them feel smart, etc. The feeling sucks and children often have less at their disposal for expressing and understanding these big feelings.

Perhaps, as a more positive angle to this, I'm meant to feel this way from time to time, to keep in touch with the experiences of my students.

Sharing these thoughts and feelings, I think, is important because I want other students/educators of second languages, or those of us who take on the challenge of travel or immigration, to know that these are things you may face and that you're not alone in it all.

I expect to feel a lot more of this loneliness and as though I'm stupider than everyone else around me, and feel it all much more intensely when I move to Germany.

Maybe you wonder, if that's the case, why am I still going? No one likes feeling horrible right? To be honest, some days, I'm not sure and others I am. Regardless though, I think I've always felt some sort of pull in that direction and I've almost never taken the easy route in life. So, as hard as it will likely will be, it still feels like the most 'me' route there is right now.

Also, perhaps these feelings, these hardships, these challenges, will be about bring about great change in me as a person and as an educator for my future students. What's that quote about diamonds?

Diamonds are made under the weight of mountains